“If only there could be an invention that bottled up a memory, like scent.
And it never faded, and it never got stale.
And then, when one wanted it, the bottle could be uncorked, and it would be like living the moment all over again.” ~Daphne du Maurier
Days meld into evenings.
Snowy mornings fall into frigid nights.
I find myself moving with it ~
Dragging my feet; reaching back.
Wanting to stay in the moment
and not step into the next one.
I feel like with each passing day
more life is left behind.
I feel anxious and nervous about the future.
I don't want to forget.
I am so afraid of forgetting.
Their voices. Their touch. Their smiles. Their laughter. Their tears...
Bloglandia hasn't seen much of Heaven's Walk these past months.
My heart still struggles with emptiness.
My feeble attempt at putting words to paper fail miserably.
The void is tangible, presses down hard.
I know deep inside that I continue to be blessed abundantly ~
with my loving husband, my Maizie Grace, family and friends.
Living in this old farmhouse surrounded by woods and water,
rooms warmed by a big furnace,
healthy food lining the pantry shelves,
beds piled with down comforters,
patchouli scented air...
all huge blessings that make me bow my head in gratitude.
God makes his presence known with peace and comfort.
I close my eyes and breathe him in deeply.
But a part of me is missing.
Seemingly treading water;
pushing myself back up to the surface to gasp for breath.
Between chores...stolen gazes out the window....
Knowing the pain will hit sharply
like a punch to the gut.
The moments come unexpectedly,
making my soul curl up in a fetal position.
I reach back in time and allow myself to sink into the memories.
Reliving the shock, painful decisions, and sadness.
Beating myself down with the "whys" and "what-ifs".
Not a place where I want to be, and I try to push away from it,
but it's a place I keep falling in to time and time again.
I touch my dad's lilac painting setting before me in my studio.
I pull his coat on over my shoulders to go shovel snow in our driveway.
I run my fingers across my mother's handwriting on a birthday card from years past,
and clasp her diamond necklace around my neck.
So much has happened over the past eight months.
Eight months? How could it be eight months?
To a broken heart,
it seems like yesterday.
The pain is still that big and encompassing.
It swallows me whole.
How long does a heart grieve? How long does the soul ache?
I want to go back in time...
I don't want to forget
I don't want the pain of remembering.
I want to remember.
Responding to the tugs of divinity within.
Healing through tears and sleepless nights.
The [Holy Spirit] knows the beat of your heart when you have forgotten how to be.
The [Holy Spirit] knows the lyrics of why you are loved - when you can’t remember quite how to live….The [Holy Spirit] will sing your song - God’s song for you - when you have long forgotten the words to His Word – to yourself. ~Ann Voskamp
The world around me seems loud, crude, and invasive.
I want to shut it out and escape.
It doesn't understand.
I feel God hiding me in the shadow of his hand.
“God speaks in the language you know best - not through your ears, but through your circumstances.” ~Oswald Chambers
"May our loves never leave us, at least not for long.
May our passions not be buried so deep by our pain and brokenness that they become impossible to recover.
May we know God and in turn, know ourselves." ~ author unknown
May our passions not be buried so deep by our pain and brokenness that they become impossible to recover.
May we know God and in turn, know ourselves." ~ author unknown
~ Eucharisteo ~
I know how you are feeling, the depth of the angst...we all walk that walk at some point in our lives, and itReplyDelete
does get easier, never leaves, the extent of the pain simply lessens...grief is the most horrific emotion, yet without the sadness how would we know to appreciate the joy? Sending healing hugs....ML
Sweet Laurie, I feel your pain. You have lost much, but I pray that you will heal quickly. You will never forget, but as time passes it does ease the pain. I will pray for you. xo LauraReplyDelete
Oh sweetie, please do not ever forget your memories... and the sorrowful ones go hand in hand with the happy ones... until one day... they will slowly fade away for the most part... and you will smile at all of the wonderful happy memories that fill your heart... it took me years after my mama passed away suddenly, 33 years ago this May, much too young... before I could even smile again... then, I heard mama's voice telling me to "have a little faith"... and I knew she wanted me to be happy... then the years passed, and I was so afraid of losing everyone I loved... my sister Jo passed away, much too young... and like you, I crawled back into that darkness... not wanting to talk to anyone, just be alone... and my faith began to wane... then once again, I heard my mama's sweet voice... lastly, my daddy passed away a few years ago and although I miss him terribly, I smile when I think of he and my mama together in Heaven... with my sister, and all of my other loved ones who are gone now... yet forever close by me, in my thoughts and in my heart... take your time to heal sweet one... it cannot be hurried... I promise you, the time will come when only happy memories fill your thoughts and your heart... hold onto them tightly... I love you sweet lady... we are "sisters" you know... xoxo... Julie MarieReplyDelete
Losing both parents so close together, it's such a huge loss. Give yourself as much time and space to grieve as you need. Mama died four years ago Jan.26th and without consciously remembering it was "the day" I found myself sad and out of sorts. My heart was remembering before I noted the date on the calendar with my mind.ReplyDelete
Rest in fond memories dear friend. Know that your sorrow will fall away and you will find comfort wrapped tightly in fond memories. Rejoice in the blessings of love from your hubby and friends and in all of the good that is all around you, in the love of Gods grace and even in the glistening snow that covers your familiar paths.ReplyDelete
as his coat warms you and know he watches you as you clear the driveway. The lovely necklace that she shines brighter as she smiles from above.
Breathe, breathe deep, knowing your heart is filled with the love of those passed on and those that remain.
I send you a gentle hug my friend across the miles.
I do not think there is any time frame on grieving and there shouldn't be. Everyone is different. I do know that the world seems to always be harsh rather than compassionate. Mourning is part of love. If you choose to love, you will mourn. I can tell you that there is a sweet fragrance that comes out of brokenness, especially the crushing of a broken heart . And I think of roses and how their beautiful fragrant oil comes from the crushing of their petals. There is a sweet fragrance coming forth from your brokenness. Your presence on Instagram has been a gentle kindness that encourages my heart. Let yourself mourn. He is with you. He is with the broken and contrite heart. Psalm 51 & Isaiah 66
In gentleness xxo
This was a beautifully heart felt post, I felt like we were sitting having a heartfelt conversation about love and lost love. God knows your pain, while we want to blanket the pain and take comfort in memories we have to let God carry and do the biggest comforting. Your posted foto's are so beautiful, and inspire creative beauty. Your home accents are so calming, peaceful to a heart.ReplyDelete
Laura, take comfort in time will change all aspects of our lives, yet in our hearts and minds memories will always be at reach.
Lots of love to you beautiful
29 years have passed, but l still remember. The sound of his voice, his blue eyes, his hands, his curly hair, the way he used to walk...my father. Still l grieve, still l long, still l cry...but l have not forgotten, memories are alive - like scent in a lovely bottle, he is not gone, simply out of sight for a while yet. Safe with Father God. Their memory will stay with you too, while they are safe with the Father. God bless, love from Pam in NorwayReplyDelete
Oh, Laurie, your blog is so very sweet. I don't think our hearts ever work the same after we lose someone dear. Such beautiful memories, yes, but the realization of the finality in this life... Very overwhelming. I catch myself often impatiently waiting for my dad to reappear like some magical homecoming in a movie. Faith helps so much, but there is still a raw hurt. And you lost them both so fast together.ReplyDelete
Your home and your oils, your dear husband and Maizie Graze, your wind keepers and dream keepers... all help you, I'm sure. And your sweet faith will see you through.
Thank you for sharing how you feel. Blogs cannot always be light and sunshine, joy and rainbows. That just isn't life. Love ya, Sweet Blog Sister.
You are precious, loved and appreciated. Holding you close in my heart.ReplyDelete
Dear Laurie, The healing heart takes as long as it needs. For me (14 years) it is still on going but in a better way now. I am finally able to talk without crying and remember without heartache.ReplyDelete
The memories will be yours forever and you will remember with love and blessings each one very vivid and stronger each year. You will pull your courage and strength from who they were and carry on in their place with all they taught you. Then there are times you will say a word or thought you heard from them and think, I am okay~~ they are still here in spirit and in my heart always till we meet again.
Sending you big hearty hugs.
Oh, Laurie, I'm so sorry for your losses and pain. Your writing is so beautiful as is your home and photos. May you have comfort in knowing that so many admire the beauty of all that you share with us!ReplyDelete
my heart comes out to you, I feel you, I'm so sorry to hear so bad news. I'm sure time will give you the opportunity to smile again when the pain will be replaced by sweetness and loveliness.They will remain alive in your heart, you are a part of them, both in you...be blessed, I will pray for you and you will be in my thoughts.
Laurie, it is certain that memories will cause us heart wrenching pain as well as uplifting moments. It's difficult to go back and relive the hardest ones, but I do the same. The thoughts creep in when I least expect it and I find myself fighting to think of anything else. The last hours with my mom (can it be almost 10 years ago?) and my dad, 12 years next month. The same whys and what-ifs that must follow many of us. Like you, I touch those silly things that I kept from mom and dad's house. A grocery list for Thanksgiving in my mom's handwriting. My dad's zippo lighters. Those of us who believe in our God and the sweet coming of Heaven have, thankfully, a knowing that some do not. We will dance with our loved ones again. You ask "how long," Laurie.... until our last breath.ReplyDelete
If you feel today that you can’t make itReplyDelete
Keep holdin’on, cause you can take it
If you hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Hold on a little while longer
Oh Laurie, my heart goes out to you. After reading your post, my eyes are filled with tears. I feel your pain and deep sorrow. Your description of all you are thankful for is wonderful, too. You are cognizant of all that remains.ReplyDelete
Your sweet parents will still be with you always----they are in YOU! You are their legacy. Every smile, every tear, every memory that flashes through your mind is them!
May the Lord walk with you during these dark and sorrow-filled times, dear Laurie, until the sun comes out once again. Hugs. Susan
Oh, Laurie. I can't say anything any better than your readers and friends have all said it above. I just want you to know - I have been EXCACTLY where you are. Oh, Father in Heaven, how it hurts. I thought I would never ever have a clear thought again. While my life was changed forever, my mental awareness was changed forever and my heart broken forever, I still moved forward with God's help. It will happen. The pain begins to dull a little and you know you are moving forward. You will always look at Mom's handwriting. You'll always look at Dad's painting. But you'll do it with a smile and maybe a little tiny happy tear. Keep your faith and God will help you through it. Pray when you think no one hears you. Thank god for your blessings even when it seems he is busy somewhere else. HE will pull you through this. Cry when the notion blindsides you. Laugh through the tears (yes, that will happen!) I mean these comments from my heart. Thank you for sharing this. You have no idea how many people needed to hear this. You validate the grieving process for many people.ReplyDelete
The Lord bless your heart, dear one. This is such a beautifully written, poignant post. So many lovely comments, I will just add my prayers are with you. xo DeborahReplyDelete
If we could only reach that place where memories were bright and strong but not filled with the terrible sorrow of loss. I often sit with old photos and try to recapture the warmth of those happy times and the feeling of loved ones close by. Wonderful Daphne du Maurier's quote. I had never seen that one before. Thank you.ReplyDelete
I will add in my prayers too.
If you have never visited Sandra at thistlecovefarm.blogspot.com, you should. She is well acquainted with grief, and a very wise and strong, godly woman. Lost her husband 3 years ago. Really, really wonderful.
Praying for you sweet Laurie.ReplyDelete
Dearest Laurie...I feel your hearts pain in what you are passing through, and the love that comes with it too.ReplyDelete
Love and pain always seem to be a part of one another. I also know that he is holding you, carrying you
to places in Him which are a treasure for you. Lifting your heart up before Father and knowing that His comfort which heals our hearts, will heal yours. Sending my love to you Laurie over the miles
All my heart,
This is so untrue. There is no one to hold you when we lose our parents and the saddest part is having to cope with people pushing their neurotic religious beliefs on us. Give me a break, lifting your heart. Right. as if. NO such comfort exists. It is annoying and irrelevant to say this to grieving people .Delete
Yes, dear Lexie. This IS true. As Christians, we believe there IS someone there to hold us when we are sad and feeling alone. God promises that to ALL of his children. HE is comfort when we can't find it anywhere else. All we have to do is ask for it and He provides. I am praying that you give Him a chance and see the changes that He can and will make in your life, dear one.Delete
Sweet Laurie ... I'm holding you close in my heart.ReplyDelete
May the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, hold you in His loving arms. He is always there.ReplyDelete
Whoa... what powerful words and emotions... So exquisitely painfully beautiful and alive... it's hard to even think of anything to say to help... only know that your thoughts reach across the boundaries of space and touch each one of us in a special place, where we can empathize with your struggle and try to hold you up in our heart energy the best way we can...ReplyDelete
I found your blog through Pam@over50feeling40. Scrolling down through all of the blogs on her page, God knew I needed to stop at HeavensWalk. I am a woman of great faith. Four years ago, on Christmas Day, my precious husband died, unexpectedly, and three weeks later, I lost the rest of my family. If it weren't for God, my church and the love of the strong women in my Bible study group, I don't know what I would have done. BTW, I live in the middle of nowhere, Texas, in a hundred year old farmhouse and love photography, writing and vintage treasures.ReplyDelete
Wishing you strength and all of God's blessings,
@Brenda's Blog on 1010ParkPlace.com
This touched my heart so much. My prayers are with you.ReplyDelete
Oh sweetie, you will never forget! They are forever forged into your hear with love! As much as I miss my sweet mother and stepfather I often smile when I think of sweet times, funny moments, or just their loving faces! Thanks for sharing with SYC. Hang in there sweet friend!ReplyDelete
Your words are beautiful! Your ability to express what so many feel is touching. It has always seemed odd to me that time doesn't stop when someone we love passes. You will never forget, there will always be sweet reminders that come out of the blue. These reminders bring a tear to your eye, but a smile to your face and laughter to your soul.ReplyDelete
Sometimes the words escape us, but we deeply feel...and the silence in my heart I hope brings you hope and understanding. My prayers for His peace and comfort are with you. ~ZuniReplyDelete
Laurie, it is so touching how you write about your grief. It is a blessing that you share this! So many have been through inexpressible grief and it is comforting to read another's journey. I can't hug you through this comment but, I wish I could in person. Your sweet heart is so real in your post. Thank you for sharing this and linking with Home Sweet Home!ReplyDelete
The heartache that you feel Laurie - is such a tribute to the love your parents gave you..............ReplyDelete
Letting go...........the hardest part of having let in...............your words are beautiful - I hate that your feeling this.
Losing both parents so close together is a very hard thing to go through. I have lost both of mine and miss them terribly. I wish I could write like you, everything you wrote I could feel what you're going through. I wish we lived closer so I could give you a big hug. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts about your parents. I'm sure they knew what a wonderful daughter they had. You are a very special person and have helped us all with the grief of losing a loved one. Hoping everyday gets a little better for you.
I feel your pain having lost both my Mom and Brother close together from cancer then my cat died. They were my entire family so I lost my family in a matter of months. The load of crap I am sick and tired of people saying is the worse they can say which is they are in God's hand and he has a plan. What a load of bull. How can anyone be that naïve. The fact is the pain is only ,made worse by such stupid statements The pain is horrific and it never stops, it has zero to do with a religious entity and everything to do with reality. The reality is that you need people to offer not their insane religious ramblings but help and comfort . The fact we are left behind is torture and there is no escape from the grief . Grief is an expression of love and a great love of parents and family lends itself by its very nature to ongoing life long grief. Do not let anyone tell you to "move on or the even more stupid "give it to God" give me a break from the pompous jerk that says that. The comfort you felt when they were alive is never again, our lives are irrevocably different, it is a new reality of pain of grief . Do not listen to anyone that tells you to find comfort in a religion or some sort of prayer. Its the new reality and we have to live with it. I wish it was not so for you and I but it is. From one who knows and is experiencing the same I suggest you close your circle of people around you and eliminate the religious nuts. It will make your day to day life a bit better to not cope with the nut cases.ReplyDelete
Dearest Lexie ~ my heart broke when I read your sad, frustrated words. You sound so lost and alone. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I want you to know that God IS there for you just waiting for you to reach out to Him. Yes, God DOES have a plan for each of us. And yes, sometimes that plan doesn't seem to align with what WE want. But as a Christian, I believe that He knows what is best for my life because He is All Knowing, All Loving, All Encompassing. HE is LIFE. HE is LOVE. HE is 100% COMFORT.Delete
As human beings, we have pain in our lives - physically, emotionally, spiritually. It's the way of the world, and as you know, things are certainly not getting any better around the world. But like it says in the Bible, these things will come to pass and there is a better life waiting for us when Christ returns. We, as Christians, are not naive by any means. We trust and have faith. It takes a strong person to do that. Christianity is a narrow path. It takes discipline to travel it. It also takes a strong person to get through the things in life that you (and I) have been through. There is no way that I could be traveling this difficult journey that I am on without the love and comfort God provides. Watching my two nephews slowly die of muscular dystrophy, losing my father unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage and watching my mother slip away with dementia 12 days later, losing part of my breast from a lumpectomy, and just recently, attending my uncle's funeral -- all within the past 14 months.
Yes, I struggle. I get angry. I fall to the fall and cry. I question God. But deep inside, I know that when He closes one door, He is opening another one that is sweeter, and better, and richer, and more meaningful for me. Trials and tribulations, losses and sadness....they all make us stronger in the long run IF we lean on him for guidance and love. If we don't, then all we are doing is putting one foot in front of the other while we travel a road of misery, anger, and frustration. Those feeling are certainly not Godly. They are the devious whisperings of Satan which we need to turn away from and ignore. The better "seated" we are in God's love and faithfulness, the easier it is to recognize Satan's divisive, evil voice. Why trudge along that sad road when we can rejoice while traveling God's path knowing that He is leading us to a much joyful place?
Know that I will be keeping you in my prayers, Lexie. I will be praying that you will hear God's voice in your heart, in your ear, in your soul...and that you will turn to Him for the love and comfort that you are so deeply missing right now. He can heal your broken heart, Lexie. I can feel Him healing mine. And you know what? I truly believe that He brought you to my blog for a reason. You were hurting and searching, and there was something in the words I wrote, in my friends' replies that you read that struck a chord with you and motivated you enough to write me. THAT is a start in itself! :) Praying you peace, comfort, and healing, dear one. God loves you!
[And I ask that any other blogger who happens to stop by to leave a comment on this post, that you also keep Lexie in your prayers. Let's all lift her up so that she can feel the intense love that God has for her! xo]
Oh my my....I´m so sorry how u feeling :( But sweetie I know how u feel...Laurie u need time,nothing more-time,time,time-time is what need broken heart.My mother is this year dead ten years-and my memories are still so raw,but beautiful and happy.You never remember dear,but your memories after some years will be happy and no painful !!!ReplyDelete
Sending u BIG HUGS and LOVE ♥♥♥ xoxo Vicky
Laurie, I feel your pain. I really do. I have yet to get over my mama passing away a little over a year ago. At times it seems like yesterday. You my sweet friend have put into words the feelings that I've been feeling for over a year. You have such a talent for expressing your thoughts and so lovely. God bless you sweet friend. Your post has helped me too. You are and will be in my thoughts and prayers.ReplyDelete
I hear and understand what you are saying so very well. I too struggle with loss, but it does get easier with time. You'll continue to see their smiles, and remember the most special moments as if they've just happened ~ and instead of feeling pain, you will feel overwhelming love and gratitude for the time you had together. I promise.ReplyDelete
Sending love your way, Laurie.
Beautifully written and beautifully photographed. You touched my heart.ReplyDelete
So sorry to hear this. I have been gone from blogland, and just posted a similar (though not so eloquently written) post. I lost my mom last August. Still trying to find my way, but rest in the peace that I will see my mom again. I just sent a message to a friend the other day, asking her to let me know when her lilacs are blooming, because I'm missing my moms lilacs. I haven't been by the house since it sold. Just can't bring myself to yet. I'll be praying for you.ReplyDelete
Laurie, you have really touched me with your beautiful post. I surround myself with my Grandad's belongings and papers and think of him all the time. Eight years have passed and I still have a huge urge to pick up the phone, write a letter, arrange a trip with him. xxReplyDelete
I know exactly what you mean Laurie. You have put it into words so perfectly. It's such a beautiful post you have written. I absolutely love that quote you opened with. Just how I feel!ReplyDelete
sending hugs your way!
Love your prose, a real gift. Thoughts that I have but can never put into words. Somehow my tongue does not allow me to form the words. You do that beautifully for me. I will visit often. Thank you.ReplyDelete